no.59 - The Glasshole

Last night, after pounding on my car window for ten minutes with his elbow, the moron who was trying to beat his way into my car finally realized a rock would be a more effective tool to break glass. It is probable that a chimp would have solved this puzzle more efficiently, but I doubt a chimpanzee would have bothered. It wouldn't take much to figure out my 1995 Saturn station wagon is not a repository for valuables.

What did he want? It's hard to know for sure, but what he took was a slightly used roll of quarters. I keep a supply in the car because the meter maids are so aggressive around here. (In fact, my least favorite meter maid told me it was my responsibility to have quarters on me at all times.)

It turns out that a roll of quarters is just enough for a hit of smack, though I would be willing to bet this dude's dealer would have been irritated to be paid with a fistful of quarters and glass shards. I also have serious doubts that the guy was capable of counting out change so I'm not sure how the transaction was going to go down.

But he didn't make it to his dealer. The genius (whose name the police won't release, and, really who can blame them?) jogged in a slow straight line down a busy street that made him bizarrely easy to catch. An officer drove me up the street to identify him and, up until this point, I wasn't really angry, just annoyed and a little sad that basically everyone loses in this scenario he created.

Then, the punk gave me the "What are you looking at" stare. Really? Thanks dude-who-smashed-my-car-window, now I can enjoy watching them handcuff you.

My one concern was that I was only 75% sure this was him. What if some other punky, white, scruddy looking twenty-something happened to be jogging up the street in a bright blue T-shirt, with a tan hat and tan shorts. Fortunately, the $8.25 in quarters they turned up from his jingling pocket reassured me that this was my moron.

I was thinking until this morning about what a waste of everyone's time this was. But as it turns out there are two good things to come from it.

First, my car is already fixed, and the remarkably efficient and polite glass company even vacuumed my car which means - vacuumed car! Second, while this particular gentleman seems to be behind the evolutionary curve by a hundred thousand years, he did learn to use stone tools, so at least it was a learning experience.