no.40 - Dr. Michael Salzhauer

Cosmetic surgeon "Dr." Michael Salzhauer has written a children's book called "My Beautiful Mommy" which explains to young children how their ugly mommies can look "more beautiful than before" through the magic teddy bear of plastic surgery. (That's how it's depicted on the cover.)

If there was ever a more appropriate title to be published by a vanity press, I've never heard of it. Parents purchasing this book may need to skip over the portions of other children's books which suggest you like yourself the way you are, which is probably for the best as these older books do not coordinate well with television, advertising or with Salzhauer's wallet.

The book explains that "Mommy" needs to have her bumpy nose fixed and, while she's at it, she is going to get her tummy tucked because it got all messed up having a kid. The child in the book does not appear ask the question I would have asked under the circumstances; "Can Dr. Salzhauer give me some extra arms?"

(Spiderman had it done.)

Dr. Salzhauer feels he is doing this for the good of large-nosed, little-boobed mommies everywhere. Others may disagree, but I for one don't believe he has written this book to cash in from book sales or to get his name out in front of a gullible, insecure, flabby-middled public. No, I think he wrote it so he could justify to himself his idiotic, dangerous and predatory profession. This is a self-published vanity pressing.

Nevertheless, I have some suggestions for "Dr."Michael Salzhauer's future publishing career:

• My Botched Mommy
• Free to be... anyone but you
• Timmy Tummy Tuck and his Super Stomach Stapler
• Mommy's immobile face still loves you: The Polar Expression
• Mommy's giant rack is not for baby
• The Blubber Battle Book

I also wish Dr. Salzhauer luck with his multiple forthcoming surgeries which will transform him from looking like a sallow faced dweeb-eyed shmuck to the muscle-bound pinhead he is portrayed as in the book. I don't know what is involved, but I am sure he will explain it with grace, tact and dignity to the four young children he careful mentions in his every press release.

As a final note, I must applaud Vic Guiza for what I can only assume was his secret attempt to sabotoge "Dr." Salzhauer's book. Vic's abominable, charmless, incompetently rendered and muddy-colored illustrations must be the work of someone who hated every soul-crushing moment working on the book. The "publisher" notes Vic has won the " Dragon Pencil Gold Medal of Honor for best illustrated children's book in 2007" an honor bestowed upon only a handful of illustrators hired to illustrate books by the Dragon Pencil book company. I can only assume an artist of this high merit choose to make it look like the book was outsourced to Mexico for cheap labor.