no.63 - The Olympicks

When I tell people I hate the Olympics, I am met with one of two responses: outrage or pity.

Those who are outraged act as if I told them I advocate beaching baby whales. Those who pity me are sad that I will never share in the joy and wonder of the commercial venture we call the Olympics.

So let me explain myself with a list — people love lists — and hopefully that will help quell your outrage or your pity.

10 Reasons to hate the Olympics

1.) Most Olympic Athletes are losers
I don't mean this in a pejorative sense. I mean it as a matter of fact. The majority of competitors will fly home un-medaled, never to compete in an Olympic event again. They may be fine with it, but I am not. What a terrible sinking feeling. My eyes keep going to the guy in last place. How many years did it take to get there?

Of course, some athletes response is to pitch a fit — break a kayak paddle in half or toss a bronze to the floor in disgust. Way to set an example for the kids, Ara Abrahamian. At least I can enjoy their defeat.

2.) Most of the sports are nearly as boring to do as they are to watch
Any contest that involves endurance is surely a snore. The only thing less interesting than drafting off a sweaty French runner for two hours is standing on some street corner in Beijing for two hours so you can watch the runners amble past a mile from the finish line.

(I can't tell you how much I wish the photo below were photoshopped.)

3.) Beach Volleyball
Volleyball wasn't good enough on it's own. They had to add sand and women in their underwear. I don't really know what the Olympic committee's excuse is on this. If the explanation is that sport panties help them play better, then why doesn't the regular women's volleyball team wear the same? Or the men? (That would bring in a new demographic.)

The closest excuse that I can figure is that the original Greek games were held in the nude. If they want to switch over to that format, I'm all for it. I hate it when things are half-ass. I say, full ass.

4.) It's all one big ad
The Olympic rings are trademarked and gripped with a despotic control second only to that of the Disney rodent. Note how their logos have been moving closer each year. (Three circles vs. five rings.) The "proud sponsors" rarely have anything to do with athletics. Nearly every break has an ad for a Budweiser and a big fat car so you don't have to walk anywhere ever again.

5.) The coverage is politically condescending and obnoxious
My daughter and I happened to catch Togo win its first medal. The coverage was one step away from patting this little country on the head and squealling, "Isn't that cute!"

Watch a Chinese gymnast make an error, and you'll hear the commentators begin to salivate. The glee in their voices is, at best, unsporting. I expect any nation to favor it's own, but I'd be less embarassed if mine did so with more sophistication than a fourth grader.

6.) Doping
If you aren't doping at the Olympics, then you're proving you aren't. In one of the many propaganda pieces run by NBC, several U.S. athletes described their pride at being "super tested". I'm glad they aren't taking steroids. I'm sad they have no privacy with their pee.

7.) The Olympics are bad for you
Well, not you, but for the athletes. Seriously, bodies are designed to do these things in a crisis, like being chased by a mutant lion-shark hybrid. Think I'm wrong? Check out all that wrap tape. (And why are the gymnasts so slouchy?)

8.) Where the hell is India?
I'm not of Indian descent, but I can't remember seeing an event with an Indian athlete. Sure, I just read that Abhinav Bindra won India's first gold this week, (because Google makes us all sound like we know stuff) but... first gold? Something is wrong with this picture. I'm not sure what it is, but today the U.S. won it's 900th freakin' medal. Really? 900:1?

9.) It's all for show - nationalistic show
When the opening ceremony turns out to be one big bitch slap for a seven-year-old girl, you know there is a problem. Many of us would have greatly preferred Yang Peiyi, to the little clone/robot they wound up and trotted to the stage. Yes, the robot girl shits buttercups and sunshine, but she can't sing!

This would never have happened if it wasn't about projecting an exacting national image. The Olympics have always been about nationalism — my country is better than your country. The U.S. cycling team apologized for showing up wearing masks. You know why? Because the most important thing is that the U.S. show its dominance, not that the team be able to breathe in the smoggy, smoggy air.

10.) Terrible Mascots
Every time. Every, single time. This year, it's the power puff girls.